Day 68 - Kyle W

Kyle was a good friend in high school. We had computer science together our sophomore year. We would joke around about how easy it was and sail through writing the programs. We would even sometimes compete on the same computer science team on the weekends. We got in the habit of hugging goodbye. Kyle gave some of the best hugs. He also gave me copies of every single Green Day Cd, even their first three recordings on cassettes. Kyle was so adorable and sweet. My Junior year, I can't exactly remember if we still had a class together, but we would definitely walk together at least a couple times a week. And we still said goodbye with a hug.

I started to feel that Kyle liked me and there were times when I thought I really liked Kyle. I would feel horribly guilty that I was being unfair to Keith. I always convinced myself that even if Kyle and I got along well, I loved Keith. I even compared it to when married couples form crushes, but don't have affairs. Right before Christmas our junior year, Kyle took me to lunch during one of our half days for finals. Afterwards, back at the school parking lot he gave me a really nice letter. I would feel like I'm giving away secrets that aren't mine to tell if I fully explained the letter, but throughout it he said how much he respected Keith and did not want to mess up what we had.

After that, Kyle and I were still friends, but I felt too guilty. I felt guilty about liking someone who wasn't Keith and I felt guilty for possibly leading someone on who I really cared about. Senior year, Kyle started dating a sweet, cute Junior. I was happy for him, but our then-shaky friendship more or less disappeared.

After graduation, Kyle and I stayed in touch a few times a year. Whenever we saw each other over holidays or the summer, one of us was with someone else. I built him up in my mind as someone I was meant date once the timing was right. The last time I saw Kyle was when I had graduated and was driving through Texas and Oklahoma to visit friends. We went out, and after several beers, dancing in some bar, I felt that maybe the timing was finally right.

It wasn't. Nothing scandalous happened, but the morning after was still terribly awkward and outside of the occassional facebook 'hello', I haven't seen or really talked to Kyle since.

The whole situation showed me that if the universe is putting enough barriers in your way, it's probably trying to tell you something. I try not to over-analyze or push things anymore. ('Try' is the key word there.)