Day 24 - Eric W

Eric gave me butterflies. Our class went to Washington DC (just over ten years ago now) and that was when we really started flirting. After that, we had a few class trips before graduation, one to Six Flags Elitch Gardens and one to Water World. My friends and Eric's friends stayed together most of those days. I remember finding excuses to touch Eric. Like, bumping my shoulder against his, or hitting him gently when he made a good joke. The kicker was when we rode the carousel; we chose one of the carriages that was pulled by horses. Sitting side by side, secluded in a carriage was beyond exciting.

With the exception of Christie, Kerrie and Liz, I hadn't told anyone I was moving to Texas at this point. When Eric found out I was moving in a few weeks and he was going to be out of town for half of it, he suggested we not go out. It was reasonable, but it still sucked.

I had a going away party at the pool, which Christie helped me throw. Christie, Kerrie, Liz, Maggie, Eric and Matt were there. It was bittersweet, made more bitter by the fact that Eric and Maggie started dating that day.

Day 23 - Darcie

Darcie is the reason I know what a Jerry bear is. I don't think she was a dead head exactly, especially since it was 1998 and we were 13. I would have described Darcie as a hippie at the time. She wore tie-dye shirts, but they looked cool, she had long, beaded necklaces, she listened to Dave Matthews Band, The Grateful Dead and the like.

That year, our science teacher had to have some sort of major invasive surgery that kept her out of the classroom nearly all year. It was great. Our sub was really sweet and we took advantage of her. Some days, Kerrie, Liz and I would sit near the front of the class and pretend to pay attention. Some days, I would sit in the back of the class with Darcie and some guys and joke around the whole period. I learned probably every dirty joke in existence that year (which came in handy when I was the new kid in Texas).

I can't remember many times when Darcie wasn't happy. Her smile brightened rooms and her laugh was infectious.

Day 22 - Ali H

Ali was my first major rival for Christie's friendship. Christie and I weren't always in the same class, we weren't even on the same softball team. I knew she made other friends, just as I did, but I was supposed to come first, just as she did for me. Then Ali came along. She was in orchestra with Christie and suddenly they seemed like best friends.

O, that's when the green-eyed monster came out in me.

Ali was, and I'm sure is, a very nice girl. I tried to be nice to her, but I'm sure I wasn't. Luckily, I wasn't rude enough to scare her away from Christie or turn Christie against me. It took a year, but we became amicable towards each other. It turned out there was good reason for Christie to be friends with Ali.

Day 21 - Kerrie Earley

Kerrie and I giggled more than I have with almost any other person in my entire life. We would stay up all night watching Anastasia or Mulan and just laugh. Her parents were pretty strict, so we would normally sleep over at her house, not mine. They lived about an hour outside of Littleton on a fairly large piece of land with horses. She was over it the way all of us were over our parents' life choices at 13, but I thought it was fantastic.

I also remember reading to each other on the phone until one of us fell asleep. She, Liz, Maggie, Christie and I spent more time together than probably recommended. Near the end of eighth grade, everyone was acting as if we were seniors, letting us slack off a bit. We could convince teachers our model of the island of Isis clearly needed real rocks and water from the swamp behind the school. Off we'd go traipsing through the grass, sitting behind the school joking around. I felt someone was allowing me to soak up my friends as much as possible before I moved.

Day 20 - Liz Switzer

Liz was so funny! She just seemed like the kind of person I wanted to be like: funny, laid-back and so cute, but she probably wouldn't want you to think she was cute. I bought Doc Marten's because Liz wore them all the time. She also introduced me to 'The Princess Bride'. Even class projects were fun with Liz. We had to make a heart diagram and we chose to do a fruit pizza. We spent a few afternoons shopping for strange fruits, baking a cookie and then making it look like a heart. She taught me how to shoot fruit juice at people by squeezing the little sacs of the fruit. So fun! She and her friend Maggie had seemed to be an unbreakable duo, always whispering to each other. Once I was her friend, she would whisper to me and I felt like I had arrived.

Day 19 - Kory E

I don't remember the day-to-day details of my relationship with Kory. We dated through at least half of 7th grade. By December, we had been "together" for awhile and I think we had gone on "chaperoned" dates (by friends, not parents) and talked on the phone enough that my parents were starting to catch on. I think I liked having a boyfriend more than I liked Kory.

Somehow Jamie got involved in some scheme to help Kory kiss me. One day before Christmas vacation, Jamie and Erin convinced me I had to go back to my locker to get something with them. Kory was there with one of his friends. We were just standing around and suddenly Kory and I were in the center and there was mistletoe above our heads. So... we kissed. It's a vague memory. I remember not wanting to do it in the first place nor repeat it. I'm not sure why we stayed together after that.

By Valentine's day, I had finally mustered the courage to dump him, but Erin convinced me that would be awfully mean. He gave me a card that was designed for a long-distance relationship that hinted that I could be closer. I dumped him the next day. Or did he dump me right before I could? Anyway, we broke up. He seemed to hate me after that and his friends would torment me about my prudish ways.

I saw him again when I was visiting from Texas once we were in High school. We joked about the past and then we ended up under a mistletoe again. This time when we kissed, it wasn't awful and I wasn't embarrassed, but I still didn't want to repeat it.

Day 18 - Jamie

So, the third in our secret-keeping trio was Jamie. Jamie was fun. She was also bossy. She used to make me do the lamest things. One afternoon, she stole my rollerblades and hid them; to get home in time, I had to walk home barefoot. She also used to do things like involve Erin in something and tell me I was excluded. Ugh, it was so frustrating. Jamie had a way of making me do things I didn't want to do. I don't blame her; especially now, I don't hold a grudge. I do find it amazing how many things I did in seventh grade that I felt I was doing for her.

Day 17 - Erin Eloe

Erin and I were in band and some classes together, we also rode the same bus. I remember laughing a lot when I was with Erin. She was very sweet and such a good friend. She was also gorgeous, but down-to-earth. In seventh grade we had a notebook that we shared with Jamie. We all had nicknames for each other and I think we thought they made it more secretive who owned the notebook. I was Andy, Erin was Ernie and Jamie was James. No one was going to see through those names. Nope, noway. For added protection, we wrote in Pig Latin. We had important secrets to keep safe.

Day 16 - John M

In typing class, we sat alphabetically which put me next to John. John had a personality that no one could dislike. He was funny, outgoing, self-effacing, smart, talented and just cool. He had, that extra element, a 'je ne sais quoi" of sorts. John would call me and we'd talk for a long time about who knows what. He wrote me a song, but when he played and sang it for me on the phone, he put the receiver too far away and I couldn't hear it. When he came back on, I told him it was fantastic (bad idea).

One of John's girl friends (he was the type of guy with more friends who are girls than guys) told me that he liked me. That method always bothered me, which I won't elaborate on tonight. I reacted poorly, I suppose. I did like John. I did, but I don't think I was mature enough or strong enough to go out with him. This self-assessment is only in hindsight, at the time I didn't know why I didn't want to date him. Which makes explaining it to someone that much tougher.

The guilt that followed me around after rejecting him was awful. I learned the strangest back routes to my classes to avoid him in the halls. I would suddenly become silent when his friends passed me in the halls. I was somewhat of a statue for the rest of the semester in that typing class

The last year of middle school finally came and we were all so much older. There was nothing we didn't know! John and I could finally go back to be being acquaintances. He was still funny, outgoing, self-effacing, smart, talented, just cool and now taller. I still didn't want to date him, but now he didn't want to date me either, so it was okay.

Day 15 - Roald Dahl

The BFG was my favorite book for years. After reading it several times, I memorized the author's foreign name, Roald Dahl, to memory and headed to the library. I read Witches, then Matilda, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, James and the Giant Peach, The Magic Finger, The Twits and some poetry. I couldn't put Dahl's books down. He has a way of transplanting his reader to a new place and making them understand a new perspective. Up until then, I had read Judy Blume and other reality-based children's novels and a few classic children books, like Little Women and The Secret Garden. To read a funny fantasy was refreshing, I think.

After exhausting the majority of Dahl's children and teen books, I moved on to his Autobiographies. They were amazing. While reading, Boy, I couldn't believe the things he lived through when he was just my age.

Roald Dahl was my introduction to contemporary authors, autobiographies and searching out books without teacher or parent input.

Day 14 - Zach McHugh

Christie ran up to me at the end of fourth grade with news of a new boy with red hair and freckles moving to our school the following year. She thought it was Andy moving back. That just seemed too good to be true and it was. The first day of fifth grade, we met Zach McHugh. He was funny, always quick with a smile, and blushed easily.

The next summer, Zach was at my favorite spot a lot: the neighborhood pool. We ended up joking around enough that Stacey even asked me if I liked him (but that's another nerve-wracking story). I got a letter from Zach while he was away at camp. He asked me to go out with him. I accepted secretly. We rode our bikes together, even going to get something to eat at McDonald's and enjoying it at the big park in a different neighborhood. We had a lot of fun together.

During this first dating experience, I was also going through a brief pyromania phase. I think Zach was going through something similar, because on more than one occasion, I remember him carrying matches or a lighter. (In fact, looking back, I wonder which came into my life first: Zach or fire?) One day near the end of summer, we had some sort of tiff while we were standing with our bikes outside the pool. I only remember that it ended with him teasingly trying to light my tire on fire and me riding away. When school started he broke up with me and I burnt the letters he wrote me.

All-in-all, we were a flash fire with no lasting evidence.

Day 13 - Ms. Williamson

I've written two teacher raves, and it's time for a pan. Ms. Williamson is the teacher about whom you wonder, "did she become a teacher just to torture kids? or for the power?"

It's my first year in middle school, I'm awkward, my bangs are growing out, I want so badly to be popular, my confidence is thin at best and none of my classes are with my best friend, Christie. In walks my teacher, Ms. Williamson.

Okay, her entrance did not set the tone; I don't even remember the first time I met her. I remember small events where she tore my self-esteem into little bits. Granted, I didn't do all my homework, I occasionally talked during class, and I had no interest in learning the scientific names of the plants in the xeriscape garden we had to maintain. I still don't think that's enough to warrant her treatment of me. (The fact that my disobedient brother had her two years prior may have sparked some of it.)

The one example that I can still get blood-boiling angry over almost made me cry in class: it happened after lunch one day. I return to the room before most other kids because my locker mate and I didn't get along and I didn't really have friends to dilly-dally with in the hallway. Ms. Williamson sits at her desk, eating a salad. She says something to put herself down (like about needing to eat a salad, or being a mess that day, I don't remember exactly) and I respond with, "You look really nice today, Ms. Williamson." (Now, let me explain that potentially brown-nosing statement. For some reason, a lot of the girls I wanted to be friends with liked Ms. Williamson and I tried to accommodate to this by making Ms. Williamson like me. I didn't do a good job of it.)

During this exchange, the bell has rung and my peers are filing back into the classroom. Ms. Williamson chooses this moment to respond in a way that implies I was complimenting her because I am a lesbian and I obviously am attracted to her.

...


No, I'm not kidding. And yes, that's only one example.

She was awful.

Day 12 - Eric

Eric was the first boy I genuinely liked because he was funny. Sure, he also had a cute smile and fun, blond hair, but mostly, he was hilarious. He was in Mr. Alt's class with me and he got a lot of time to add to his repertoire of jokes and impersonations. His Forest Gump was by far the best.

My crush wasn't deep-seated or lengthy, but it did set a precedent which I've pretty much stuck to since. So, thanks Eric.

Day 11 - Brandon W

There are some people who will never exist on a first name basis in your memory. Brandon W*** is one of those people for me.

He was verifiable gorgeous; I can't think of a girl in my school who didn't think so. In fourth grade, a friend dared me to kiss him. I'm not sure why I thought it was a good idea, but I don't like to back down from a challenge. Plus, in the very back corner of my mind (hidden from every other person in the world), I'm afraid to say, I hoped he might kiss me back. (O! That's an awfully embarrassing thing to admit, even if it is 15 years later.) I remember not eating much lunch because I was supposed to do it afterward, during recess . I must have put chapstick on once a minute instead. I just kept running it over my lips, as if it would build my courage and magically make everything work out.

It seemed Brandon was always playing some sport with all the other boys during recess. Sometimes, the really popular girls would tease him or cheer him on. I stood at the edge of this crowd that day. I can't remember if it was soccer or football, but does it matter? There was a brief break in the action, and I ran forward and grabbed Brandon. I think I landed the kiss just to the right of his lips, so I may have even tried again. In front of everyone. He pushed me to the ground, running back to the game and wiping off his mouth.

Ugh, I'm still embarrassed.

Despite his unwelcoming reaction to my attempts, I still had a crush on Brandon. It was an affliction I didn't shake until 6th or 7th grade when he seemed to finally realize the effect he had on his female peers and became cocky.

a pause to reflect

So early into this project, and I'm sure it's already become apparent to more people than just myself that I've had a lot of crushes. It's funny to me how much they seem to affect my life. I can't explain this yet, but noticing it sparks my memories of more crushes. I'm sorry, but I feel this blog may be a little boy crazy for awhile. ::Yeesh::

Another thing: this blog feels more selfish than I originally thought it would be. We'll see how that goes.

Lastly: I want to apologize for not updating this daily like I'm supposed to... I do think about it daily. Sometimes it's a guilty nagging thought on the subway, but it's there.

Day 10 - Ms. Danielson

My first grade teacher was Ms. Danielson. She made me feel at home in Colorado. I called Ms. Danielson "mom" once when I was giving her a hug. It was a shock, but she took it in stride. She probably had a lot of kids call her that.

We had weekly spelling lists and her claim for the importance of spelling convinced me to learn the words. She also had us put on a play, but I only remember that it was about forest animals and I wanted to be the owl. On really special days, we were allowed to push all the desks in the corner and play. When she wanted us to calm down, she would have us "do our exercises" which was basically a hand game. I still remember it really clearly and for years Christie and I would joke about it (even though Christie didn't move to Colorado until we were in second grade).

After first grade, I used to walk by her class and peak in to say hello. Through the years, she moved to another school and then I heard she was promoted to be an administrator. When I graduated from fifth grade, Mr. Alt encouraged us to invite people we thought helped us through school. I invited Ms. Danielson and she actually came. She thanked me for inviting her and I felt so happy about her being there.

She met one of my classmate's recently widowed father at the graduation. They ended up getting married. Isn't that amazing? It was just another lesson from the world showing me how interconnected peoples' lives are.

Day 9 - Sarah

Sarah lived closer to me than any other kid our age. For this reason, we played together. Sarah was cool, her dad was a pilot. We were at an entrepreneurial age that involved a lot of Kool-aid stands. One day, she told me of a plan she had to make money. There was a free sample of cereal in every mailbox in the neighborhood. She said we should collect them all and then sell them to people. I guess it sounded like a good idea, because I helped. While we were unsuccessfully selling them door-to-door, one of her neighbors questioned us. "Should you girls be doing this?" Well, sure, why not? Turns out it was illegal! O my gosh, I thought we were going to jail for sure.

The same neighbor told Sarah's parents and we got in trouble, but thankfully not with the feds.

Sarah and I didn't really play that often after the close call with the law.

Day 8 - Danielle

In fourth grade my friendship with Christie was tested. Danielle moved into our neighborhood and was in our class. She was different from everyone else at school and that interested me. Danielle, Christie and I began playing together. We would go to the creek and walk across the dangerous dam, jump across on slippery rocks, and walk through the tunnel under the road. Christie was a good kid, she was always the first to back out of a dare or mention the rules. Danielle made fun of her for it and I'm embarrassed to say I would join in. It wasn't Danielle's fault that Christie and I started fighting. She wanted a friend, but she was just a third wheel when Christie was around.

I slept over at Danielle's house a few times. I never met her Dad and her Mom was only around long enough to pay for pizza. I watched my first R-rated horror movie at Danielle's house. It seemed she was allowed to do what she wanted. One morning after we stayed up really late playing, eating junk and watching 'The Leprechaun', I woke up to her mom yelling at us. I don't remember it too well, but we had to clean up everything and I had to leave. It was scary.

I'd like to say I came to my senses and started treating Christie well of my own volition, but it isn't true. I tried to break up with Christie in note and then chickened out right before she read it. I stole it back and ripped it up. The incident was blown out of proportion and we had to meet with a counselor. After a tearful explanation, I was asked to examine my friendships and priorities. In the end, I chose Christie and Danielle chose Claire. Claire and Danielle would be the first in our school to dye their hair, wear wild makeup and claim to drink. I'm glad I went back to Christie.

Day 7 - Andy

O, Andy. In second grade, I received my first love note. I've played around with the idea of typing up a transcript of it (of course I kept it, I'm nostalgic), but I think a summary will do just fine. He stated that he was writing me a note, asked for me to write him back and reminded me to keep it on the dl. Christie flipped when I showed it to her. I wrote back to Andy which made us some sort of fragile grade school couple. He moved that summer and in spite of exchanging addresses, the affair fizzled out. I still remember Andy fondly because he didn't hang around to mess anything up.

Day 6 - Julie LeBlanc

Julie had the most perfect bangs. I was in second grade and had a cow-lick, so I was easily impressed. The thing I remember best about Julie was something she liked to tell everyone, "I live in the White House." Which was technically true because Le Blanc means 'the white' in French, but it always bothered me. Despite that, Julie and I hung out a fair amount, except it wasn't called 'hanging out', it was called 'playing'. I don't remember how we entertained ourselves, but we always did it at The White House. My name didn't allow for any grand titles for my home, but I was happy to return to it each day.

Day 5- Annie Anderson

Annie Anderson had the perfect name. She also had perfect, shiny brown hair and perfect bright brown eyes and a perfectly aligned smile. Her family seemed perfect too. I went to elementary school with Annie and I had never met a person who seemed so perfect and was nice too. Annie was the epitome of nice. Her mom was our Brownie troop leader for a few years, so we spent a good amount of time in her house. I think there were 6 daughters in the Anderson family. The oldest sister belonged in an after school sitcom she was so cool (Not the racy '90210' cool, she was more clean-cut than that. She was more like, 'Saved by the Bell' cool). And the youngest sister was so cute it made me actually want a younger sibling.

You may think I'm building up this family just to tear it down, but that isn't the case. I did learn over the years that the Andersons were less than perfect (just like anything else in this world), but they continued to be an exceptionally open, giving and beautiful family that I had the pleasure of knowing.

Day 4 - Arty the Wolf

Arty was another lifeguard. Christie and I loved Arty. Well, really, I loved Arty and Christie was nice about it. He wasn't the obvious choice of lifeguards to love. Toni was a better choice; Toni was beautiful, with sculpted muscles, a sweet grin and even a tattoo! Arty was my man though. He was tall, blonde, and hairy. We called him the blonde wolf. Arty was the nicest guy. He let a little girl follow him around all summer, asking him inane questions about every little thing he did. I even questioned him on his hairiness, "Arty, why do you have such hairy feet?" He would chuckle and say something to make all the other lifeguards laugh.

After Arty left for college, he left a big gap in my summers. One day, I mustered the courage and convinced Christie to accompany me to Arty's parents' house. Arty's mom was just as sweet as him, but she delivered some awful news: her son wasn't going to be around that summer. Arty only had one summer to do it, but steal my heart he did. Who could resist a hairy, blonde, funny man with a killer tan?

Day 3- Andrea the Lifeguard

Andrea was a lifeguard at my neighborhood pool. Later, she became one of my swim coaches. She was beautiful, confident, funny, and unbelievably nice. She was everything I wanted to be. I swam ten times faster and longer when she was the one telling me to do it. She only lived one cul-de-sac away and I felt it gave me some sort of insight into her being. I spent the majority of my summers at the pool. In the mornings I trained, in the afternoons I goofed around with Christie, and some evenings there were neighborhood ice cream socials. All the while, I was trying to be friends with the lifeguards and they were incredibly nice about it.

When I moved to Texas after middle school, the last person I said goodbye to was Andrea. The day our moving van was packed and ready to go, I walked up to the pool crying. I couldn't bare to tell the swim coaches and lifeguards I was leaving. I loved and respected them more than they could reciprocate or probably guess. I knew the importance of the relationship was disproportionately significant on my side, but I couldn't help it. I pulled myself together once I got inside the fence. Andrea was standing at the shallow end telling the youngest swim team members to "pull! pull!" When I told her I was moving and that it was today, she looked surprised and hugged me. I can't remember exactly what she said, but I know it was perfect and I felt comforted and loved.

I still want to be like Andrea.

Day 2- Jon Lind

Jon was the first guy it didn't work out with.

Starting in first grade, I would like him and he'd hate me and the following year, we'd switch. One year, I would chase, tackle and kiss him and the next year, he'd enlist his friends to corner me to kiss me. I think it was third grade when the chase-and-kiss game was becomming passé and we begun to try to impress or tease each other instead. He could write his name smaller than anyone else in the world. He loved Calvin and Hobbs, so I loved Calvin and Hobbs. I have vague memories of sitting at the same table as him in the library alot.

We weren't in the same class in fifth grade and we went to different middle schools, though I doubt we were meant to be. It was all very experimental. I still like Calvin and Hobbs, and that's mostly due to Jon.

Day 1- Albert Joe Alt

My fifth grade teacher. My first male teacher.

I looked up to him in more ways than I can probably explain. He was the first teacher I remember who told us about his life. His wife was our music teacher and it was the first time I knew a teacher's spouse and saw them interact. It was all so real. He talked about surgeries, things he had done wrong and things he had done right, his children, people in his past. It was all so eye-opening. I had such a crush on Mr. Alt. I think I admired him so much, I was simply in awe of him.

He used to follow tangents in class. He'd start out explaining the scientific method and suddenly we would all be debating Forest Gump. My other teachers did not stand for that. If she begun a lecture on geographical formations, she was going to see it through to the dull, dull end, dammit.

Sometimes, during these departures from the lesson, I'd daydream. (To be honest, I daydreamed through the dull, focused ones too, definitely more so.) Once, I jumped into the middle of one random discussion and suddenly found myself to be one half of an intense comical debate with Mr. Alt himself. I'm not sure what I thought we were debating, but I knew I was standing up for my gender: an age-old battle of girl vs. boy. How exciting! I was joking around with Mr. Alt! It was an out-of-body experience; I didn't know what I was saying. A higher power dictated my words. I don't remember the specifics of it, but I know it ended with him citing the male's ability to write their name in the snow. I attempted to argue the point, but it was over. The class roared with laughter. He hadn't backed down. He made the possibly risky joke. I think we all respected his nervy confidence.

Mr. Alt wasn't all jokes. He gave me my first failing grade. He didn't let me slide by. He troubleshot my problems with my parents and me. Why I couldn't concentrate; why I didn't sleep; why I procrastinated. He didn't just tell me to stop, and he didn't criticize or nag me. He had an endless supply of suggestions. Most of them helped. He taught me that I'm more visual, I need to exercise and relax to sleep well, and that eventually, everyone has to buckle down and do the things they don't want to do.

That year, I felt so grown up, so mature.

In our class photo, you see 20 or so twelve year-olds holding hands and genuinely smiling. Mr. Alt stands to our left, cracking jokes. He made us hold hands so we would feel more connected. I'm the only one not looking forward. I'm gazing at my teacher, unable to stop laughing.