Day 38 - Matt

I must admit: I suck at turning down guys. I was terrible at it in middle school (including one time, when I said yes, ran away, and called him after school to say I had made a mistake). I was bad at it in high school (as this entry will illustrate). Luckily, with some help, I began to learn in college (believe me, stories are on their way). Now, I can generally get the point across, but I know I still perform at a beginner's level. My worst high school experience was with Matt.

Matt asked me to go to Band Banquet with him my freshman year. Band Banquet is just what you think it is; it's a banquet held in the spring for band members to dress up, dance, and celebrate the past year. It was my first dance, because I didn't go to Homecoming (which is another story with the opposite lesson). I accepted because Matt was nice and I knew it meant I'd be with Megan, Bobby and all of them at the banquet. I remember that taking the pictures was a little awkward, but I don't remember a lot of moments we shared that night. I'm not even sure how much we danced together. I do remember that Lezlie Walla had the hottest date and it was a much-talked about occurrence.

After the dance, it became clear Matt thought something was starting between us and I didn't really want there to be. He asked me out one Friday night and I told him I wasn't sure, because I thought I was doing something with Tram. I told him to call me after school and we'd see. I basically was trying to postpone the inevitable. Tram and I went out and saw a movie and I never got a call from Matt.

When I returned home that night, I was so excited; I thought I had dodged the bullet.

No such luck. Matt showed up at my house, expecting to take me out. No call, just showed up. I guess he thought I was playing hard to get, or he misunderstood, I don't know. My parents were pissed! I was yelled at, and even worse, I was told how disappointed they were in me. "We didn't raise you to make plans with someone and stand them up!" I was grounded and forced to call Matt and apologize.

The saga does not end there. I think the guilt my parents and Matt's friends were laying on me was powerful and I can only assume my apology was amazing, because he started driving me home more often. By the time the band went to New York a couple weeks later, Matt was hopeful again. He arranged it so we'd be sitting next to each other on the flight. He tried to hold my hand several times and I tried to keep my hands in a constant state of movement: holding a magazine, playing with the tray, turning on and off the lights, adjusting my clothes, chewing my nails, sitting on my hands. Houston to New York is a five hour flight. I'm sure I looked spastic, but I avoided his hand.

I could not get to my girls-only hotel room fast enough that night and was counting my lucky stars Matt was not on my bus the rest of the trip. I didn't know him at the time, but Dave ended up being on my bus. He'll be his own entry, but the short version is, I was happily holding his hand on the flight home and Matt was floored by the development.

I had chosen the absolute harshest form of rejection. I have tried never to repeat all of the mistakes I made with Matt (of which there are even more I didn't tell). I still feel guilty for the way I treated him. Whenever I think telling someone 'no' will be harsh, I remember it could be a lot worse.